Freedom Across The Fence

At age 15, I was admitted to an inpatient hospital for anorexia. I made one of my best friends there. We used to go into the garden after dinner and talk about what it would be like to jump over the fence, we used to have staff watch us and we could never be more than a few metres away from them. They watched us in the toilet and watched us in the showers.

I never received therapy whilst I was here, I was force-fed and held down, and expected to gain weight and get better without talking about the feelings behind the food and weight, I felt my choice was taken from me, and my voice diminished.

One evening, both my friend and I had had a difficult day, I had sobbed and begged for someone to listen to me, I had been made to eat one of my biggest fear foods at the time, butter. Nowadays, I love the stuff, but anyone who knows anything about eating disorders, will know it was never about the butter -it was the feelings and meaning behind the butter.

On this evening, my friend and I stood right by the fence and we talked about our anger, our frustration, our sadness. We talked again of life outside the fence, and after building ourselves up, we clambered over and ran as fast as we could across the field behind. The staff member shouted after us to think about the consequences of our actions, and I remember laughing, I was no longer fearful, I was free.

We walked and talked for hours, I remember walking through a large and luscious green field as the sun was setting, it was a huge open space and a warm evening. I had never and have never felt so free as this moment.

I wanted to stay out forever, but as it got dark, reality kicked in and anxiety took over. So we sat by a local pond and waited for the rapid response police who collected us and took us back.

Our hospital was disappointed and treated us like criminals, my family were angry, I felt shame, but I also felt freedom. I had never been one to break rules and breaking them this time was something I did for me, and I can finally say with freedom, that I don't regret absconding on this day one bit, I got my taste of freedom and this helped me recover, and I am now training as a therapist to help others.