#14 Safety Response Form

* Content Warning: This story contains some descriptions of self harm *

April 2010
Greyson Estates
By Faye P (age 16)

I guess it started yesterday during the co-op(1). We were supposed to write a paper about why we were frustrated(2). I felt like the questions were too personal so I didn't want to write the paper. I didn't want to get 0's(3) though so I tried to write it anyway. About three sentences in I crumpled up the paper. I think I started crying. Ms. Sara said I could go to my room but I wouldn't be able to have my late bedtime. Sp I refused. I tried again at the paper, but I couldn't do it. I kept crying and Ms. Sara said I had to go to my room. I got up and walked into the hallway. The thought crossed my mind that I could just run out the door. But then I thought, "You aren't really gonna do it. You never really do it" and I was about to go to my room. But I thought running would be like an adventure. I knew I'd have a safety response form, but I wouldn't have to deal with that for a while. So I opened the door and I started sprinting.

I ran back behind the rec hall and into the woods. I felt like I was in a dream, I couldn't believe I'd really done it. I had to stop running because I needed to step over stuff. I made my way to the field behind the main house and started running again but there was a pile of wood in the way. I went back into the woods and wandered around until I was behind the outpatient building. I saw a green van drive up and down the road a few times and I heard people calling my name. I waded through a ton of green leafy plants until I saw the bottle. At first I wasn't going to pick it up because it was covered in dirt and had to have loads of germs on it. But then I thought, "what the hell? I'll have a safety response form anyway and if it gets infected they'll just give me antibiotics."

I smashed the bottle on a tree and picked up a few pieces. At first I just did a few scratches. But then the cuts got deeper. I bled on the leaves and on my pants a little. I planned on just staying there like that until I was found, but no one came and I got bored.

I got up and walked toward the suburbs behind Greyson Estates. I saw a shed and I remembered that Suzie told me that she'd hidden in a shed when she ran, so I thought I could hide in the shed for a while. I tried both doors but it was locked. So I moved on and went down a little trail in the woods. Then I saw another shed and I went over to it. This one was really old and full of cobwebs and old tires. It didn't have a door, but I decided to sit in there for a while and self harmed again. (I had pocketed a few pieces of the bottle.) There was an old, caved in barn near the shed so when I got bored of sitting in the shed I decided to go investigate that. I wondered if it was the same barn that Jake and Katie had hidden in when they ran.

When I got to the barn I saw a stream that went into a tunnel. I wanted to see what was on the other site. So I crossed the stream on some rocks. I walked over to the tunnel and saw that it was full of water and that there was no way to get through it without getting really wet. So I went back over the stream and kept walking. Soon I came to a house where two boys were kicking around a soccer ball in the backyard. I stood and watched them for a while. They didn't seem to notice me. After a few minutes I started walking again.

Slowly the suburbs faded into the country. I started following a road and decided to stick with it. Soon I passed a jogger. He said "hey" to me and moved on. I went in the grass and waited for him to get far enough ahead of me that I wouldn't have to deal with him again. I kept following the same road for I don't know how long. I passed houses, fields of horses that snorted at me, and tons of litter. I thought every car that passed me was a cop car or a Greyson van. Somewhere along the way I decided I wanted to be caught. They didn't seem to be looking for me way out in the middle of nowhere, and I had no idea how to get back to Greyson.

Eventually it started getting dark. The country road I was on turned into a bigger road and then a highway. I decided to try to find a town and look for a phone. I didn't have any money, but I thought that they would have to put a 911 call through. However, the road signs were really confusing. I was scared of crossing the highway, so once again I chose a road and stuck with it. I walked along the highway for a long time. It got really dark out and I couldn't see. I was tripping over things. I wanted to get off the highway at an exit but the exit never came. I was really scared. I started saying "I'm gonna die out here. I'm gonna die out here." over and over. Then I decided to be positive so I started saying "I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay" instead.(4)

A few minutes later I saw a cop car on the side of the road. They asked me if I was from Greyson Estates. Then they asked me if I had anything on me. I showed them the glass and they had me drop it on the ground. They asked me if I had cut myself and I said yes. When they saw my arms they called the rescue squad to come look ad me. While we were waiting I told them what happened and the girl cop patted me down to see if I had any weapons or something.

The rescue squad took a long time to come. When they got there they poured water on my arms and wrapped them up in gauze. Then the cop handcuffed me and drove me to the hospital. We passed the Greyson Estates sign on the way.

At the hospital lots of people came in and asked me questions. They wouldn't take off my handcuffs. I kept asking them to take them off. Then a mental health lady came and asked me lots of questions.She asked me if I wanted to go back to Greyson. I nearly said no, but then I said yes.(5) Then she let the cop take off the handcuffs.

After that, the doctor came in, unwrapped my arms and squirted a lot more water on them. He steri-stripped the bigger cuts and glued the smaller ones. Then he wrapped them up and Nurse Jane came to take me back to Greyson.

When I got back to Greyson they took me to the nurses station. They had me call my mom. She seemed glad I was okay. I felt bad for worrying her. My dad scared me by saying that if I did anything else he'd have me sent to a locked facility.

By the time I got back to the unit I was so tired I just wanted to go to sleep. I didn't even care that I was on ISP(6) and in the QR(7). I thought of taking off my bandages them, but I was too tired. So I went to sleep.

(1) Program jargon. It's just a structured activity of some kind. Often planned by the residents.
(2) This whole thing was of course, a required writing exercise and staff were going to read it. So it had to be a bit censored in some places. The essay was actually about "how we contributed to the unit being put on rebuild" (a group punishment, essentially the whole unit was grounded). I had not been involved in the situation that caused the Rebuild, so it was a bit of a catch 22.
(3) Points taken away for not participating in the activity. This could get privileges like late bedtime, outings, or good snacks taken away if it happened too much.
(4) The "being positive" bit was likely for staff benefit. I doubt that happened.
(5) I doubt I told the mental health lady I wanted to go back to Greyson. That place fucking sucked.
(6) This stood for Intensive Supervision Precaution or something like that. It meant you had to have someone watching you 24/7 and you had to sleep on a mat in the quiet room.
(7) QR just stands for quiet room, which would be more aptly named the scream room.