#12 Breaking out of captivity is the most life-affirming thing I’ve ever done (repeatedly)

Great escape #1 (2011) I admitted myself to a private hospital to deal with some addictive behaviors. Over the next four weeks, with nothing to numb and distract me, my trauma memories came flooding back. I was deemed “too unsettled” to do any therapeutic work. Instead, I was given endless mandalas to colour in and not allowed to leave. Bored out of my brain, and constantly in fight-or-flight, with no support (despite being surrounded by staff), I absconded - climbing over many walls and running to freedom (the beach). Feeling the power of the waves helped me feel alive again. I also bought a coffee (oh no! Caffeine was not allowed in this rehab!) #seriousrebel

Great escape #2 (c.2016) I can’t remember how I got to ED but running away was heaps of fun. First, I just waltzed out of ED and went up the lifts to the upper floors of the hospital and played on the swivel chairs and admired the city lights at night (pretty!!). There was a park with a giant fountain and a flower exhibition being set up across the road, which were HEAPS of fun to play on. Parts of me that love building sites played with the construction machinery and then we swam in the fountain and enjoyed climbing the mythic statues. I took myself back to ED and all they said was “you probably shouldn’t have done that”. I was sent home the next day with no follow up. #mentalhealth “care”

Great escape #3 (2018). My first admission to a public psych hospital was a rude awakening. My god the staff were all too busy to ... you know, do their job of caring for the patients. I tried to let them know I had a diabetic cat at home who had now missed 2 insulin injections... no one cared. I got increasingly distressed that my cat might get very sick while I was trapped in hospital. I also missed my first 2 meals because no one told me how anything worked (actually, most things were broken anyway). My first meal was marked “vegetarian” but had big, obvious chunks of meat in it. I was told to check the white board to find out who my contact nurse was... but the board was completely blank. I asked if I could get my regular medication and get leave to see my private psych but no one could tell me anything. So I dressed like a social worker (I pass) and walked out when a team swipe themselves out. I then ran all the way down the hill to the train tracks. I walked along the tracks to my house, took my meds, made sure my cat was ok and went to my psych appt. My psych encouraged me to go back to hospital. When I got back, NO ONE HAD NOTICED I WAS EVEN GONE FOR 6 HOURS!!!! #mentalhealth “care”

Great escape #4 (2018) This time I was admitted to a private hospital as a public patient (woohoo!) but found boredom and drivel group therapy we’re not really helping me, although the food is WAY better in private. And the staff care a LOT more if you run away. I had to dodge a lot of staff as I ran, but did find out they won’t follow you into the parts of the hospital that are being renovated (pro tip!). The number of staff running after me grew until there were 20+ people chasing me down the street (most as unfit as me, huffing and puffing). Alas, I only got a few blocks away before one of them was able to grab me ... and then I got sectioned and sent back to public. #privatementalhealth “care”

Great escapes #5-#9 (2018-9) There were many subsequent runners over the next few months. One time I ran from the point where the ambulance was dropping me off at ED. I had no shoe laces but luckily my friend found my runners (they fell off while I was running) in the street near the ED and picked them up for me. I spent the day wandering the streets, disoriented, in my socks and having crazy fun (sorry to my friends who were wandering the local parks looking for me up trees).

I think my fav attempted escape was when I was in the middle of climbing a fence and I paused as I saw another patient leap over an impossibly high brick fence and run away in front of my eyes. Unfortunately, I paused long enough to get caught but I was SO IMPRESSED by that ninja patient. So much respect.

My least fav attempted escape was when I was in ED and I’d been handcuffed and restrained (neither were that therapeutic, just saying). A nice doctor suggested maybe I didn’t need to be tied down. So they untied me and I did a runner. I didn’t know how to get out of this ED and ended up running into a dead end. As the security guard tied me down, this time with 4-point restraints and tape over the wrist restraints, he taunted me that I should’ve turned right instead of left. And that if I’d really wanted to kill myself I would’ve. Next time, he said, “do it properly.” I was restrained (ie tied to a bed) while this a-hole taunted me, for 5 hours. I kept trying whatever I could to get away, gnawing at the tape, getting one hand free, freeing the other, then an ankle, while the guards laughed and the re-tied me down. I was then put in HDU and discharged the next day. #itsprettyfucked